We currently have the following positions open (all jobs include full Health Benefits that kick in 7 years after you've been employed full-time):
Massage Therapist: Missionary position. Must be knowledgeable in all massage techniques, such as Swedish, aromatheraphy, and orgasmic. Willing to use oil on all body parts, especially long, hard protruding purple appendages. Must be open anally and free of hemaroids or anal fissures. Strong arms, precise hands, and nice titties are all a plus. You will be tested for the position (and in all possible positions) those who complete the massage the fastest (ahem) get the job. Please bring your own tissues and cleaning supplies. Note: This 40 hour a week position may expand into weekends and weeknights.
Stock Boy: Needed to maintain our awesome new Sick & Perverted Online Shop. You will be responsible for wearing a chicken costume or some other ridiculous suit and standing in front of our headquarters waving your arms (wings) at people who drive by to entice them to buy from us. You may also need to close sales by "encouraging" people to buy our products (handgun provided). This may sound like a sales marketing position, and it's very close to that, but the salary you'll be paid is for the Stock Boy position advertised (incidentally, you must pay all Stock Boy training fees which will be deducted from your paycheck. Any negative net income balances must be paid by you to us in cash).
Manager: Full-time position. You will be responsible for managing a staff of you, yourself and you. You will also be responsible for firing yourself if your work is not up to par. You must have a mustache at all times and wear suspenders (bow tie optional). Responsible for being critical of everyone, even though you don't do any real work or even understand the business. Issue memos that will be promptly ignored. Take long coffee and cigar breaks. Work with a buxom secretary, after hours at your discretion.
Third-Level E-Commerce Technical Associate of Corporate Convergence: Full-scheduled time allotment requirement to be meet by candidate. Responsibilities include modifying our management approach to utilize the utmost customer satisfaction models in regard to web-based technologies and the latest approaches to WAP, Java, HTML, BURP, SIC, DICn, ASS, COC, interface within, through and above the chain of commandments, and to vary those assimilated manifestations of the company manifesto as dictated by the chain of demand predicated by market conditions and stockholders directives heretofore expressed during the fiscal year ending July 13, 1999, albeit prior to the closure pre-determined by applicable laws in the state of Delaware in which this corporation and all its wholly or partially owned or half-baked subsidiaries are based. Position requires an understanding of this description.
KaZaA Slave: Full-time position. Responsible for downloading MP3 files. You will receive a list of 25 to 100 songs at the beginning of the day to download for our president. You must be detail oriented so as not to download incomplete files. You must also know how to rip audio CDs from MP3 files.
Bill Collector: Determination and pride in your work is a must. Not letting anything get in your way, including a customer's lack of funds, is critical. You must be a least 6'3" and 250 pounds, preferably with martial arts or mafia experience. Ability to break someone's nose with one-punch is ideal. Your own tools are also required (bats, guns, chains, knives, acid, plungers, and other devices of torture). You may be required to break into people's homes and take all their valuables as well as leave behind a few broken body parts to "send a message." Criminal record preferred, as is a "loner" personality. Pay rate based on your ugliness and intimidation level.
Personal Chef: Full-time position. Responsible for preparing hot, tasty meals for our staff. Need expertise in the following cuisine: Italian, Chinese, Thai, Chinese, French, Mexican, Japanese. Responsibilities include planning the daily menu, shopping for ingredients, preparing breakfast, lunch and dinner, cleaning up the dishes, baking pies and cakes, making homemade ice cream, etc. etc.
Dog: Full-time position. Responsibilities include fetching, barking, chasing cars and mail delivery personnel, eating leftovers, humping cats, biting children, dragging ass across carpets, peeing on tax collector's leg. Position requires a doctorate in aerospace engineering, a masters in business and a SAT score of 1400 or better.
To apply for any of the above positions, please fill out the form below. All fields are required: