2000-2001 SURVEY << BACK

This is a funny story. After my sister got married to her boyfriend the guy who married them, a minister or whatever also played santa claus for their church. It turned out, like 2 months after christmas he was convicted of soliciting an undercover police prostitute and was later convicted of child molestation ... yikes! That's why I say catholics suck ass, hell, that guy did.

When i was 27 my mother asked me to play Santa for some of her students at their house cause they didn't have any money. After we get there and the little wide eyed rug rats meet me at the door all excited, I find out their father is my arch enemy from high school, who at one time had tried to run me down with a truck after i pounded in his face for being a dick. He didnt realize who I was until i had handed out the presents and the candy and was about to leave, then he got all indignant and tried to make the kids give the stuff back cause he didn't want anything from me. needless to say, the kids are crying, my mother's apologizing, he's yelling and his wife starts threatening to kick him out of the house. I make a hasty retreat just to make sure the kids get to keep the stuff cause with a dad like that, they need all the help they can get. I always wondered what those kids thought the day "Daddy" tried to beat up Santa ... if ya want the whole story, he is in prison cause a few months later he beat his 4-year old to death. Merry Fuckin Christmas.

the tweeked out old man who kept snorting every 2 sec and asked if his nose was red like rudoff the red nose reindeer.

our nudist colony Santa that had mistletoe tied where his belt buckle would be. he kept offering everyone a taste of his "candy cane"

The drunk guy who fingered little kids and promised to visit them christmas eve ... and stay till christmas morning ... after that he exposed himself and urinated in the candy store nearby.

The santa that yelled at the little elves to get off their ass and take a picture in front of all the little kids.

my grandpa.

THIS ONE SANTA WAS SO SKINNY, HE COULD HOOLA HOOP THROUGH A CHEERIO.

my brother.

We took my friend's little borther into the bathroom and put thumb tacks in his pants , poking outward. When Jolly Ol St. Nick plopped him on his lap, the old guy screamed and tossed the little kid on the floor, tramatizing a whole line of wide eyed youngsters. If ya want to be a good Santa, sometimes you have to take a litte pain.

my mother.

the bastard tried to undo my button on my pants while the little dwarf was taking the picture.

i sat on his lap + he startd talking about chip n' dales + if id been a good girl. i was 18.

Must've been 1979. Santa had antennae.

The santa that told me I had a nice package ...

the one that had whiskey on his breath and was drunk as kotter brown.

the old dude must have eaten all the beans out of taco bell all he did was fart, fart and fart some more.

He smelled like cabbage.

my grandpa.

I don't remember what he looked like but in between times he went to go take a scratch, yeah down there.

this really crazy bastard that thought i was some metally retarded kid. i was 7 at the time.

i dont know if this guy was santa but he put me on his lap and told me to play santa with him then he went for my naughty place.

Once I saw a mall santa wearing a santa mask. That's right, a mask made out of rubber. It must have been hot as hell. I later found out that he was horribly deformed and that's why he wore a mask. He got the job because he sounded just like Santa and he did not molest children. My aunt married him and they had several children, none of whom were deformed.

The one who had his hand on my ass and a big ol' grin on his face in the picture.

black santa.

I was the best santa ever and I'm black, so fuck you asshole.

My Dad.

A cranky old bastard who smelled like whiskey and couldn't wait to get home and drink some more.